Date Your Opposite: Why Not?
You've Tried Everything Else
As relationship therapists/experts, we see people every day searching desperately for their soulmates with a natural tendency on the part of men and women to think about finding someone opposite from them in personality as a negative thing. You think that if he/she is opposite from me, then we’ll have nothing in common and disagree about everything. But interestingly, there really is no research out there that proves that dating someone radically different from you will lead to disaster. We’ve seen that trying new tactics can often lead you down the “opposite” road.
Jenny...
Listen to this: 38-year-old Jenny began therapy to “figure out why I keep getting my heart broken.” She described all her past relationships as “leading nowhere” and felts that at 38, she was never going to find the right person to spend her life with. As we explored her past relationships during her therapy sessions, we uncovered that she had a specific type of guy that she becomes instantly attracted to. She loves the “life of the party”- the man who walks into the room and draw’s everyone’s attention to him. Jenny is outgoing with a million friends and has always felt that she needed someone who could keep up with her. The problem is, Jenny finds herself almost in competition with these men. They want the limelight and attention, they are constantly setting up social outings and Jenny winds up feeling like a third wheel in her own relationships!
... and Jack
So we encouraged Jenny to stop looking for a specific type and to branch out a bit. We suggested that she consider dating an introvert vs. an extrovert- just to experience someone different. At first she worried about getting bored by someone like this but then she met Jack. He was the opposite of anyone she had ever dated. He loved to cook for her and take long walks by the waterfront where she lived. He loved watching her at parties with her friends because she lit up the room. He didn’t need to be the center of everyone’s world-just the center of her world. They have been together for 2 years and and someone asks her the secret of their great relationship she always says, “we balance each other out”.
We Never Argue
Balance is the way in which couples compliment each other despite their unique – and sometimes opposite - personalities and interests. Being opposites doesn’t necessarily mean you will “live happily ever after” but you learn to compromise and agree to disagree early on, so there are no surprises in the future. Too often we hear couples say, “We never argue”, or “We’ve been dating for eight months and have’nt argued once.” In reality, debating, disagreeing and even arguing are a part of most healthy relationships.
Michael J. Fox
Michael J. Fox got it right when he said: “the key to our marriage (to wife Tracy Pollen) is to realize that it’s not how our similarities work together; it’s how our differences work together”.
OppositesConnect
That’s why we now encourage some of clients to try OppositesConnect.com, a dating site that promises something new. They don’t guarantee “happily ever after” - but they do help you think outside the box and try something fun and different. We realize that, too often, people who have unsuccessful relationships seem to go about things in the same way. Sometimes you have to do something different to achieve different results. Dating your opposite will open you up to the differences in others, while bringing out the best in you and your relationship!
